From the moment you find out you're going to be a mother, you start planning for the arrival of your little bundle of joy. After learning to cope with the 'not so fun' symptoms of being pregnant, your days are spent browsing the web for baby products, waiting for your next appointment to see and hear the life inside you, and being amazed by each and every kick and hiccup.


Throughout my pregnancy, my only fears were for the health of the baby, and for the labour and delivery that was to come. Similar to many moms-to-be, my focus throughout the pregnancy was to enjoy time with my husband and some me-time, and prepare everything we needed for the baby. In reality, the much more important thing that I should have been planning and praying for was my life to follow. The huge change that occurred in my life is one that I feel I wasn't truly mentally prepared for - regardless of how 'ready' I felt to become a mother.

A few days before our daughter's expected due date, she decided to make a speedy entrance. I was blessed to have the labour and delivery experience that I had dreamed and prayed for, Alhamdulillah. The part that I had been so worried for had passed, and now the true reality of what I should have been worried for hit me.

Our first night in the hospital, I remember staying awake all night. I couldn't take my eyes off of her, out of fear of something happening to her. Despite being in a hospital and knowing we had every resource around us, if God-forbid something were to happen, I still felt like I had to look at her to keep her safe. I would say, this is when my anxiety/blues began.

From the hospital, we headed to my parent's home where we would be staying for the next couple of weeks. Those first few nights consisted of lots of tears. Thoughts of, "Did we decide to have kids too soon?", "How can I take care of her for the rest of my life?", "What if something happens to her?" and "Will my husband and I's relationship be changed forever?" filled my mind. I was so confused as to why people chose to have kids and why anyone would voluntarily get stuck in the cycle of diaper changes, feeds, sleepless nights, and exhausting days. I loved my daughter dearly, but what made it hardest for me was the huge change. I have never been someone who works well with changes in my life. I need structure, to-do lists, and schedules, to make myself feel sane. However, as the first few days of my daughter's life had quickly made me realize, we were now running with her schedule, not mine, and that was a tough pill to swallow.

Regardless of how much we could have planned for a child, I feel as though you never truly know what you're getting yourself into. I had spent 15 years of my life being around young kids and if there's anyone who loved to be around kids, it was me. I had known from the start of my marriage that I wanted to have kids soon. Yet even after giving ourselves plenty of time as a couple, the huge change that came about with a child made me wish I could go back to the comfort of the life I was used to.

Now, as my daughter turns 1 month old, I can truly say, I know why people have children. No, it's not easy; No, your life will never be the same again, and that's not necessarily a bad thing; and No, you will not have the independence you once had. But, motherhood is a love that you truly never knew existed inside you. If you are going through this, just know that it's a lot more common than you think. You are allowed to mourn the loss of the life you once had, but know that life has phases and change is inevitable. You can never be in one stage of life forever. And things will get better!! You will be able to get out of the rut that comes with the first few weeks as a new mom and enjoy motherhood very soon.

Here are a few things that helped ease my anxiety as a new mother, that I feel can be of help for anyone else going through this 'new mom adjustment period'. 

1. Be Around Loved Ones
I am so grateful to live close to my parents and siblings. Before I had my daughter, I had planned to stay at my parents' home for two weeks maximum. I had assumed I would have enough time to heal and figure things out in those two weeks. Boy was I wrong! Within a few days of being at my moms', I quickly extended my stay to a month. Not having to deal with the cooking and chores that would have come with me going home was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders! By the time I left my mothers home, I was so comfortable taking care of my baby and we had a pretty good routine figured out, which made the transition a lot easier.

2. Incorporate Parts of Your Old Life In Your New Routine
On the first or second night with the baby, I remember crying to my husband that I missed the life we had before. I missed doing what I wanted whenever I wanted, or getting up and going wherever we pleased. This came from a new mom who was exhausted by the repetitive nature of taking care of a baby, and just wanted the 'easy' life she once had. My husband quickly reassured me that our daughter was a blessing, and that it would get easier. By having my parent's around, my husband and I were able to get out of the house and do things we would have done previously. I would help my mom clean and cook whenever I had a spare second, because that's something that I used to do before baby and it brought a part of my old life back. This made me feel as though I had some control, and that life wasn't completely different now.

3. Get Outside
One of the reasons we had planned for a summer baby was to have longer days, and to be able to get outside. I know that if I had a winter baby and was trapped inside for the cold Canadian winter months, I would go crazy. When my daughter was a few days old, we took her for a day out. We planned on sticking to outdoor places such as the patio at a restaurant, and parks to ensure she wouldn't get sick. Yes, it took a little bit of planning, and it wasn't as easy as when it was just the two of us, but the fresh air was so necessary. Sometimes it's important to remind yourself that there's a world outside your doors! The earlier you start taking your little one out (staying within your comfort zone of course), the faster you will get comfortable with it.

4. Take Care of Yourself
I can't stress how important it is to make time for yourself. Eat so your body is nourished, especially if you are breastfeeding. Take a shower, and get into clean clothes. It isn't only your little one that deserves to get bathed and dressed every day, so do you! When possible do something simply for yourself - get your nails done, your hair, etc. If you don't take care of yourself you can't possibly be in the best mood to take care of your baby! Self care is so important for new moms, especially when it can feel as though your life is now revolving around your baby and you have no second to spare.

5. Pray
For me, the biggest thing I felt had impacted my mood and increased my anxiety postpartum was not being able to pray my 5 daily prayers for those first few weeks. When you become used to praying every single day for 40 weeks, not being able to pray postpartum can feel very odd. Moreover, Ramadan had just passed, which had definitely boosted me spiritually. Going from that, to motherhood and not having the routine of my Salat definitely impacted my mood. I then made it a habit to recite some Surah's and prayers in my own words while nursing. Since my daughter would feed every few hours during the day, I was able to keep a connection with Allah throughout the day despite not praying Salat. After doing this for a few days, I already felt like my heart was more at peace.

If you are a new mom just know, you are so blessed to experience motherhood. Yes, you will miss your freedom, independence, and life before motherhood - but that's life. Every phase of your life will bring with it ups and downs. Things you enjoy in your current life and things you miss from your previous phases of life. Just know, that once you have a rhythm and routine with your little one, this will become your new normal and you will love it. Just remember, you are doing an amazing job; Ask for help whenever you need to; Take care of yourself; And enjoy the tiny little baby in your life - because they grow way too fast.

May Allah bless all mothers with the strength to raise their children and shower them with His blessings, Ameen.

--
[Please note: If you are feeling depressed after your baby's birth, and experience any symptoms of postpartum baby blues or depression, call your doctor and schedule and appointment. If you have symptoms that suggest you may have postpartum psychosis, get help immediately. Call your doctor if the signs and symptoms of depression have any of the follow features: don't fade after 2 weeks, are getting worse, make it hard for you to take care of your baby, make it hard to complete everyday tasks, include thoughts of harming yourself or your baby]

University or college education is not an easy endeavour. The many readings, difficult assignments, countless exams, and lengthy class schedules can make it a very stressful and challenging experience. But when you add marriage into the mix your responsibilities only increase drastically. The time you would have spent on assignments and studying prior to marriage must now also be allocated towards running a home and strengthening a relationship.

For those of you who don't know, I got engaged at the start of my 3rd year in my undergraduate program, and married in the summer before the start of my 4th year. And so, my 1st year of marriage was spent enrolled in full-time studies to complete my 4th and final year of my undergrad, while married and living alone with my husband. I assure you, the thought of this really stressed me out in the months leading up to my wedding. If you are in the same boat as me, I can promise you that it will not be easy, but it is definitely manageable! This post is a compilation of the challenges I faced, how I overcame them, and my suggestions for how you can manage all of your responsibilities as a wife and as a student.

TIME MANAGEMENT
As a student, you know the time constraints and pressures with deadlines and schedules. It may already feel impossible to fit studying and assignments into your day alongside attending classes and having a social life - and thus, the thought of adding another huge responsibility (i.e. marriage) into the mix may overwhelm you. Totally fair! Time management is definitely key when it comes to successfully meeting your responsibilities! This is the only way you can meet your academic demands and needs, spend time with your spouse, manage your house, and make time for yourself!

a) Weekly Schedule
Use an agenda or planning method that works for you, to create a weekly schedule taking into account your class schedule, other responsibilities, and your husband's schedule! It really helps to get into the swing of things when you dedicate certain days to getting specific things done. If you do not do this from day one, you will easily get overwhelmed! This is the weekly schedule I had for myself in regards to the bigger responsibilities!

• Saturday - Plan Weekly Menu, Grocery, Errands, Load Laundry, (Usually a Mosque Event)
• Sunday - Meal Prep Lunches, Sort things out for the week, Spend time with my husband
• Monday - University, Work on Assignments/Readings/Modules, Cook Dinner
• Tuesday - University, Work on Assignments/Readings/Modules
• Wednesday - Deep Clean, Put Away Laundry, Cook Dinner
• Thursday - University, Work on Assignments/Readings/Modules
• Friday - Friday Prayer, Assignments/Readings/Modules, Cook Dinner

This schedule was truly a life saver! It ensured that I was always on track with weekly lunches, laundry, cooking, assignments, and cleaning! In weeks that I swayed away from this schedule due to midterms or exams, I could feel the tasks piling up and it would really distract me from studying.

b) Daily Schedule
As someone who feels the need to clean every single day and prefers to not eat out often, a daily schedule alongside a weekly schedule ensured that I was making the most of the day! This consisted of an hour by hour breakdown of my day ensuring I would make time for my home, university, myself, and my husband. On weekdays it looked something like this:

• 8am - noon - breakfast, clean kitchen and bedroom, pick things up around the house, pack our lunches, get ready, go to university
• Noon - 7pm - attend classes, work on assignments, come home
• Evenings - make dinner, spend time with husband, spend 1 hour on a university task

I honestly can't stress enough how important time management is for ensuring you do not become stressed out! Don't allow yourself to get overwhelmed with everything you have to get done. It is okay to take breaks and spend time on yourself but try to have designated days for key tasks and follow some sort of routine!

TIPS AND TRICKS:

1. COURSE LOAD: I was very lucky to have two days of the week off, due to lots of preplanning. Throughout my undergrad, I always took courses during the summer breaks. Leading up to wedding, I took two additional courses! This meant that during my 4th year, I only had 8 courses instead of 10! Truly a life saver!
2. ONLINE COURSES: Each term, I chose to take a course online that was either a mandatory course or a course that contributed to my minor. With this, I was able to watch the modules at home instead of the time it would have taken to commute to and from university, giving me more time during the day! This is another reason I was able to have two of fives days off in Term 1, and three of five days off in Term 2!
3. MEAL PLANNING: Before you go grocery shopping every weekend, plan out your meals for every day of the week! This way you can ensure you have the ingredients at home and won't spend every morning wondering what you'll cook when you get home!
4. FREEZE FOOD: Your freezer can honestly become your best friend when it comes to cooked meals! Typically on days I was cooking dinner (3-4 times a week), I would cook enough for the next days dinner, and a yogurt sized box to freeze for another day. This way, on days when I knew we would be getting home late, I would leave the food out to thaw, and we could come home and quickly heat it in a pan, and eat! 
5. MEAL PREPPING: If you take 1-2 hours on the weekend to prepare your lunches for the week, you will save so much time every morning! The last thing you will have to think of is preparing a lunch for your husband and yourself! Baking some vegetables and chicken, a salad, rice, pasta, or wraps, are all great meals you can keep in your fridge for 3-5 days and pop into your lunch every morning!
6. GET HELP: I can't stress this enough! I myself am guilty of being the girl who hates asking for help and wants to do everything herself. But whether it's your husband, your parents, or your in-laws, don't be afraid to ask for help! I am so grateful for a husband who would help me with dinner on days I was studying, help me with meal prepping and grocery shopping, and never made me feel bad for not cooking or cleaning for a few days! On days we would finish from university and work late, we would drop by my parents house for dinner and no one made me feel bad about it - truly a blessing! 

As you grow older, you learn a lot about what truly matters in life. There are many things I wish I had known when I was younger, to develop a more positive mindset in my younger self. Although it's impossible to go back in time, I believe these little pieces of advice and things to keep in mind can truly help you or the young ones in your life, embark from childhood into adulthood more positively!




1. Nobody has the PERFECT life
Oftentimes as a child, it can feel as though everyone else's life is perfect.
"Why do I look the way I look?" "Why does everyone else have the best clothes?" "Why does everyone else get the best marks?" "Why does everyone else have all the money in the world?" "Why? Why? Why"

You need to realize that just as your life is not perfect, neither is the life of the person you compare yourself to. You don't know the struggles anyone else is going through. They may be dealing with things that you don't even know about. Just because you cannot see the trials and tribulations in the lives of your peers, does not mean that they have a better life than yours. So stop envying these people! Allah tries His servants in many different ways, to see if they can grow from these trials, and grow closer to Him. I am positive you have a better life than so many individuals around the world! Think about that for a minute. Thus, you must learn to appreciate and be grateful for the life you have!

2. There will never be a RIGHT TIME
You may have the desire to do something in your life, but may continue to wait for the right time.  Just remember, that there will never be a right time. If you desire to accomplish something, start now! Once you begin the journey you wish to begin, Allah will Insha'Allah guide your steps forward. Whether this be a dream to start a business, write a book, travel, etc., just take the first step forward. Imagine how much more you can accomplish when you begin early and put more time and years into your dream. If you continue to wait for the right time, either you will have too many other responsibilities, lack financially, or not have enough time altogether - meaning the right time will never come.

3. You have a lot of FREE TIME
As a child, you sometimes forget how much free time you have. I believe this is true for every stage in your life. Despite being married and studying, I can still say to my current self, "You have a lot of time right now, just wait until you have kids!". If you are still in elementary or middle school, or have just entered high school, be grateful for the time you have. Many children have no other obligations besides school. With good time management skills, you should have plenty of free time during the week. Use this time to build on yourself, nurture hobbies, read, and gain knowledge. The knowledge you gain during this point of your life will definitely benefit you throughout your life. Do not let technology, movies, television shows, YouTube, social media, and whatever other distractions are out there today, steal hours upon hours of your day!

4. Expand your knowledge and MEMORIZE all you can
Building off of the above point I will say, memorize all that you can! In terms of religious knowledge, memorize Surah's, Hadith, verses of the Qur'an, about the lives of the prophets and all that you possibly can. I assure you that what you memorize today, will remain with you for your entire life. I still to this day remember everything that I had fluently memorized as a child! So do not let those early years (when your brain is able to absorb every little thing) pass by without you benefitting from them.

5. PRAY, not because you have to, but because you want to
I'm sure your parents are constantly reminding you to pray. I'm also aware that there must be days in which you pray for the sake of pleasing your parents rather than pleasing Allah. But you must remember that by praying, you are following Allah's commandment to pray and worship Him. Try to understand the true meaning behind why you are asked to pray and then promise yourself to never miss your prayers - not because you have to, but because you want to! Becoming regular in your prayers as a child will not only be a sort of investment for the Hereafter, but will also grant you so much success in this world Insha'Allah!

6. Don't let your insecurities undermine your WORTH
Growing up, you can easily develop a lot of insecurities about the way you look. Trust me, we've all been there! Whether it be your weight, height, hair, glasses, acne, etc., just remember that it does not at all define who you are! Many times you don't realize how insecure you feel about something until someone picks on you for it. Just remember that these people who put you down do not deserve the key to your happiness. The majority of these people will not even be in your life a few years down the line. So try to be comfortable in the way you look and the way Allah created you, because we were all crafted perfectly!

Oh, and you will 'glow up' Insha'Allah ;)

7. The little things will be of no importance in the GREATER PICTURE
Sometimes, you may feel as though a small decision or obstacle in your life is going to change your life forever. Majority of the time, this is not the case. Many of the small obstacles you face as a child, will be of zero importance to you in the future. So if any decision or trial is every stressing you out, remind yourself that it is only for a short period of time and will pass by Insha'Allah!

8. Your FAMILY is always going to be your greatest support system
As a child, there seems to be a social pressure to have the largest group of friends. But you must remember that a few amazing friends are definitely more valuable than many 'friends' who you can barely relate to. Regardless of how many friends you have, you should always be very close to your family! I am not saying to substitute family for friends, because I know you need a social life outside of home.  However, a lot of the friends you make throughout your life will only be there for a short period of time. Later on, you both may move on and lose contact. Family on the other hand, will always be there for you! Thus, it is very important that you build a quality relationship with your siblings and parents. Spend time with them. Build memories with them. I promise, when you're older, get married, and move out, you will miss your family the most! Moreover, it is your family that you will want to share every little bit of happiness and excitement with.

9. Enjoy the PRESENT
At every stage in our lives, we look forward to a stage in the future. Many children are excited to grow up, get into middle school, then high school, get a job, go to University, etc., forgetting about the stage they are currently in. Enjoy the present by reminding yourself that this stage in your life will never return!

When in high school, you will miss the free time you had after each day in elementary school.
When in University, you will miss the simple schedule of going to, and coming back from middle school.
When working, you will miss the feeling of spending time at your University campus and cramming for exams with friends.
When married, you will miss coming home to a home-cooked meal by your mother.

You see what I mean? Every stage in your life is a blessing! There are many people in the world who passed away before experiencing the next stage in their lives. We too, do not know when Allah has planned our return from this world. What if you never reach that stage in your life that you are oh so excited for? This is why it is very important to appreciate today!

10. Life is SHORT
Despite being in my early 20's I am constantly thinking of how short life is. As a child, you feel as though you have an endless number of years ahead of you - Sadly, you do not! This means that you should constantly be investing good deeds for the Hereafter. Pray to Allah, give to the needy, be kind to your neighbours, respect your parents, and adopt in your life all of the positive and blessed teachings of Islam. Remind yourself that this life is a test, and like any test, you can either pass or fail. You do not know when your life will suddenly come to an end. You are not promised to reach old age. This is why it is very important to remind yourself from a young age, of the true purpose of life and the inevitability of death and the Hereafter.

Post wedding/marriage blues are very real. Sadly, they're not something that's really talked about. However, blues can often lead to depression, making it a serious topic to address. Unfortunately, the discussion of depression is quite taboo in our culture.
This is why I believe it's an important topic to write about.

For many girls I know, they didn't even know the 'blues' existed until they experienced them for themselves.

For those who haven't experienced it, it can feel kind of like this:
You're very happy because you've married the love of your life; You're so grateful to get to spend the rest of your lives together; You feel sad knowing that your wedding is now over; There are random days when you're down but don't know why; It's scary to think that your life has forever changed; You feel guilty for feeling the way that you do; You miss your family; But despite all of this, you couldn't be happier.

Confusing, I know. But anyone who has experienced them can sum them up the same way.

So why do we go through, 'Post Wedding Blues/Depression' and how can we deal with it?

Anti-Climactic:
On average, couples spend months to over a year, planning the wedding of their dreams. This consists of constant appointments, errands, and things to do. Suddenly, all of the planning, attention and excitement is over.

• Change Your Perspective: This is why we must change our perspectives. Don't think of your wedding as the climax. Avoid thoughts such as, "I put everything into planning a wedding, and now it's over." Instead, look at the wedding as the beginning of your lives together. You're fortunate to have married your partner whom you get to spend the rest of your life with, Insha'Allah. 

Loneliness:
Many brides get married off into their husbands families and have to live in a joint family for some time. Others move straight into a separate house with their husband. For myself, the loneliness stemmed from living alone with my husband. For someone who had grown up with 3 other siblings, I had become so used to having family around. And so, spending the majority of the day alone in an empty house became quite depressing.

•  Social Engagements: Don't isolate yourself completely from your family and friends, Yes, your partner should now be your priority; but, when you can, make time for your family and friends. Invite them over for dinner or go over to their homes. If you stop meeting everyone completely, it can really put you down; especially, if you're a very people-oriented person. 

• Hobbies: Everyone has a different activities that bring them peace. For myself, it was reading and improving myself. Among this was rereading "Hazrat Amman Jan (ra)" in order to make myself a better wife, daughter and mother (Insha'Allah). This not only helped me kill time but also let me gain religious knowledge, leading to more inner peace. 

Responsibilities:
For many, marriage can be an overwhelming shift from minimal responsibility to all the responsibility. You now have to divide up all the household responsibilities amongst yourselves. There's also a financial burden of having to deal with daily expenses. Basically, you now need to 'hardcore adult'. For someone with minimal experience doing tasks, this can be quite difficult.

• Experience: Girls, I know your mothers are always saying "Learn to cook! Learn to clean!" and I'm sorry to be the one to say this, but mother's are always right. Having experience doing things around the home can make the transition into marriage a whole lot easier! You won't be dealing with the emotional transition in to marriage alongside trying to cook a proper meal, do the laundry, or clean. And so, these responsibilities will feel a lot less stressful.

Just remember, marriage is the start of an amazing journey with your best friend! Before your marriage, during your marriage, and after your marriage,  continue to pray with each other and for each other. Once the blues have died down and you've become comfortable with this new 'normal', Insha'Allah your life will be better than you could have ever imagined. But remember, just like your life before marriage had good days, bad days, exciting days and boring days...your life after marriage will too. This does not mean that marriage is to blame. Life wouldn't be life without its ups and downs. But Insha'Allah you experience many more ups than you do downs.

I suggest the following prayer to all of you:

رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَاماً

Rabbana hab lana min azwajina wa dhurriyatina qurrata a`yunin wa’j`alna li’l muttaqina imama.

“Our Lord! Grant unto us spouses and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead the righteous.” [Qur’an, 25:74]

Most couples experience the 'blues' after marriage. Please keep in mind that the blues are short term and have different symptoms. If, however, they lead to depression like symptoms, I advise you to seek medical help!

Blues:

• Sadness, 'empty' feeling
• Loss of interest or pleasure in activities you once enjoyed
• Restlessness

Depression:

• Fatigue
• Inability to sleep
• Feeling worthless
• Difficulty concentrating
• Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide

If you experience the symptoms of depression for five or more recurring days you may have depression. Your doctor can help screen you for depression and help you manage and treat your symptoms so you feel better.

I pray that may Allah bless all of you with amazing life partners and bless your marriages, Ameen.